My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
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5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.