Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
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My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.