If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
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Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Human are so complicated
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
When libraries troll their patrons.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time