people who do mutinies should be called mutants
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Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?