Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
You Might Also Like
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good