Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
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Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
omg leave her alone
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.