count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
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Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?