[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
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*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.