A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
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Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.