If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
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my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?