When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
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The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.