me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
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I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
My what?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.