Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
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ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.