If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
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My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.