You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
You Might Also Like
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
What flavor cupcake are these
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp