Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
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It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”