Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
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me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.