Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
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Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
those birds must be on payroll
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.