“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
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Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.