They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
You Might Also Like
getting corrected
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.