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Lucky old June.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Good morning
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
The government even made aliens boring
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant