Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
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Teach your children to beatbox
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.