Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Huge, if true.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
So inspired right now.