I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
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If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?