It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
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I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.