AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
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My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Ferrari squats
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.