I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
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[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I hope it’s French Onion!
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.