Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
🌱🌱🌱
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Intelligence is the new cleavage
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.