I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
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Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you