Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
🤣🤣🤣
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.