Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
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Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Are you a cat person or a person person?
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.