Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
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[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
even bears disappoint their mothers
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
just pretend nothing happened
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Just parrot things
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.