I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
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Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes