[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
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If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Mmmm canned fish.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.