My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
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Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*