please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Flowers bee like
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?