[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
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“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
saw this in a dream
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*