if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
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Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever