A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
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LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
u spoke cat all this time??????
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!