How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”