I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
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When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Fight
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.