My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
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Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets