Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
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It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Confused owl: What?!
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”