I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
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Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices