Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
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I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!