Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
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sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
*pronounces woah like Noah*
me irl
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.