Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
You Might Also Like
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Wasps: bees, but not helping
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.