*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
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Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
WWE is French for “yes”
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6