My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
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Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”