Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
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guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.